The 10 Million Voices In My Head

On Thursday I had my first day of school. I was literally crying when I got home because I had so much homework.

Friday was a lot better though! And then Saturday I had my fourth internship shift, where I got to see Jason again from my previous post and meet another new lady, Erma. She was a super sweet 70 year old lady with a pretty swell sense of humor.

“You’re pretty,” she told me.

“No, you’re pretty,” I said.

“No you’re beautiful.”

“You’re beautifuler.”

“No you’re gorgeous.”

“Well you’re gorgeouser.”

We talked about life and she laughed at my jokes which made me happy, because they’re not funny. And then we watched the movie Up and I explained what was happening to her, and at the end of the shift I asked her if I could pray with her.

She said yes. And while I was praying with her she was praying on her own, saying things like, “God you are so good,” and “thank you Lord,” even after all she’s been through. What even.

Afterwards, she took my hands in hers and said, “God bless you,” and it really warmed my heart.

That got me thinking real hard about my attitude. I’ve been asking myself how I am supposed to manage AP Calculus and other hard classes with dance, youth group, volunteering, and being president of Christian club. I’ve been acting so pessimistic lately, cussing a lot every time I face a challenge and being a real negative jerk to my parents, complaining all the time. I really need to work on flipping my mindset, and doing everything without complaining or arguing.

And then today I got to talk to one of my dance teachers about everything, and we touched on attitude a lot. I talked about how in dance sometimes I am so afraid to screw up, so I do. But I also told her about how I started dance because I used to be super shy and how I used it as a crutch to justify failing in school, but most of all a reason to make myself feel more confident. I talked about how that doesn’t apply to me now because I’m not that shy anymore, but I want to make sure that when I’m dancing now I am doing it solely because I love it.

What stuck with me the most was when she told me that sometimes people who are the most encouraging need the most encouragement, because we pour ourselves out into everyone and then end up with nothing left.

And that is exactly how I feel. With every person I meet, I poor myself into loving them leaving every person with a piece of me. I find so much joy in doing it, but then when I come home I have nothing left. So my attitude at home is really really really bad.

How do we combat that? For me, I guess it would be a lot of prayer, and surrounding myself with friends like Rachel and Renee who can help make hard tasks like reading “The Scarlet Letter” for AP English easier. We had such a fun day together today as I was so happy and outgoing, but I’ve learned that sometimes I need to sift through my thoughts with someone else and be completely honest about how things have been. Like for me, dance has not been super great and amazing. School has been tough. I’ve had issues with my confidence since forever. I was totally open to talking about how sometimes I come home from dance thinking about everything I can’t do and express how that seriously stresses me out.

And it’s okay.

There are thoughts that plague my head telling me that I am stupid when I don’t get my math homework, only to find everyone else in my Calc class feels the same way. There are thoughts in my head telling me that I cannot dance when I’m thinking too much only to find that when I stop thinking I can do 5 pirouettes. And there are voices in my head telling me I am not capable of leading Christian club, that I don’t belong anywhere, and that I am a worthless mess who cannot even walk without tripping over speed bumps.

And you know what, those voices are all lies. Because God gave me these gifts for a reason. And he’s gonna use me, as I am regardless of how many times I fall. I am going to struggle with feeling empty, because I am a human being. I may feel like I have nothing left when I get home from an amazing day. But one day I will learn to see myself the way God sees me. It is so easy to see the negative in everything but perhaps when I flip my mindset I’ll be free.

Dear God,

I pray you would continue to place the right people in my life for the right reason. Allow me to let others pour into me so I can pour into even more people. Remind me that it’s not about being perfect, but living to glorify you. Give me the strength to do the things you’ve called me to do and help me be more positive. Keep giving me amazing opportunities and using me everywhere I go, because I am so grateful for the experiences you’ve given me. I love you God.

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