Somedays to be honest i’m not quite sure who I am. And I’m genuinely afraid of that. I’m afraid because every day I’m confronted with 10 million things I do not know, and pouring my self into school and people at school leaves me with almost nothing left. It scares me what the future may hold, and it scares me that I may not make it. I feel like on the outside I am trying to be so strong, and so encouraging, when really on the inside I am so feckless and low on energy that I can’t even function. I’m afraid because I haven’t been getting enough sleep, and because I think I might get sick.
I’m afraid of my thoughts. I have just too many of them. I sit in my room and dream about stuff for hours, which wastes so much precious time. I guess when you have 5 hours of homework each day every minute counts, and I’m so bad at getting anything done. I’m afraid because I get so frustrated with myself when I don’t finish things or lose things or, like the other day, get a D on a math test I studied like crazy for because I panicked and forgot how to do simple math. I’m afraid because I’m retaking that test tomorrow and I don’t want to fail again.
I’m genuinely afraid of calculus, because calculus sucks. It requires too much patience and too much practice, and understanding it doesn’t mean you’ll get it right. I’m afraid of school in general, as I always feel like I can’t keep up with this mass of homework and expectations that each class bombards me with. Even in the class I tutor for; I’m afraid I can’t help those kids. I’m afraid of watching them fail, watching them go through things I swore I would never let happen to anybody else. I’m afraid I might give up on them.
I’m afraid of my past. I’m afraid the things of the past define me, even though I know for sure they don’t. I’ve mended relationships and have made it for the most part right, but the thoughts sometimes still weigh on me that I could’ve done better.
And I’m afraid of my future, because I have no idea what it holds. I don’t know if the 16 year old self is capable of handling all the challenges this year holds. I’m afraid I won’t make it.
Wow. And you know what’s really awesome? We don’t have to be afraid of any of these things. We don’t have to be afraid of anything. These fears we possess are not meant for us to carry. When we give them over to God, that is when we can experience peace.
Our fears bring us closer to God, and he grants us peace. And I guess that’s the beauty of it all.