Wrestling 

Today I am wrestling with calculus. I have a pen in my hand, trying to visualize problems that don’t make sense. My teacher is next to me, guiding me, answering my ten million questions as I do them on the board. I seem to always be missing something. But what he’s saying makes sense. So I try another one, but then I am stopped because I’m missing something else. So I take a step back and say my reasoning aloud, and he fixes it. I keep trying, but I still don’t understand. 

But I’m also wrestling with more than calculus. I’m wrestling with time, with life. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can make it. The future is so close, and I am so not ready. My health is lacking, my attitude mediocre. I feel like I’m struggling to keep going, but I keep going anyways, because one day I want to make the world a better place. 

And I know I can do it.

I’m also wrestling with perfection. Because we are far from that. And I wish everything made perfect sense, and I wish it were easier for me to understand things. But instead I learn through repetition, through messing up and beginning again. So I mess up a lot, and I ask the same questions a lot. Because each time I may be answered the same way, but I grasp a little more of the concept each time. And one day the concepts will make sense. Calc will hopefully make sense by this Friday, but I know I will never understand the deeper things until the end. 

So perhaps it is okay to pose questions to God. Perhaps when you’re wrestling with a thought or idea, it is because you are growing. You are seeking after wisdom, trying to put the pieces together. If the pieces don’t fit right away, keep seeking. Keep exploring, gathering, searching. Even if God’s answer is still, “I want you to trust me,” you might grasp those words in a new way you never have before. You are incapable of understanding everything about God, but capable of understanding so much more. So just keep trying. If God makes no sense, wrestle with him. It’s uncomfortable, exhausting, and time consuming. But it is so worth it in the end. 

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