I want you to know that I see you. I see your efforts. Quite frankly I am not the best at life, and am often too ungrateful and too mad at myself for being so ungrateful. But I am grateful for what you do. I see your efforts in taking care of me and my diet, fighting all the doctors with me, fighting all the temptations. Sometimes I wish it was as easy for me as it was for you, which is why I continue to need you to encourage me when I mess up. The truth is every time I slip up, I feel it so deeply on the inside. Every time I say something I didn’t mean to you I want to apologize so bad, but I can’t because I’m just so mad at myself for never being able to say anything right or do anything right. I am humbling myself right now before you because I am so unworthy of your love. But I love you so much more than you could ever imagine.
People always tell me, “You must have amazing parents, because you are an amazing person.” When I look back at everything I’ve gone through, I realize that you were hurting every time I was hurting, and that you’ve taken more of my crap than I could ever imagine. In the moment, when people tell me that, I laugh. I laugh because every day is a journey of me failing to honor my parents, and somehow by God’s mercy I am still turning out okay. The truth is your opinion has always meant the most to me. Everyone can tell me I’m amazing and if I don’t have that approval from you, I will never learn to see myself in a healthy. So please, do not minimize your role in my life, ever. It is huge, and I need you so much, every day, all the time.
During church today when the pastor dude said, “Any negative word that has ever been spoken over you is broken right now,” I hoped that we could work towards not bringing up the past. Every family drives each other insane at some point, but perhaps we can learn to forgive each other and support one another fully. Can we make this right? Can we agree to have more grace for each other?
Thank you for understanding all the struggles of being a girl. Thank you for sewing that blue skating costume for me when I thought figure skating would solve all my life problems. Thank you for buying my dance shoes and my skating costumes. Thank you for being at my piano concerts, even when it hurt the most. Thank you for never believing all my complaints about my lack of intelligence. Thank you for making the most bomb, gluten-free banana pie. Thank you for feeding me soup that one I time I was so incredibly sick, for cutting my hair (even though I was crying the entire time), and covering me in baking soda when my eczema got so bad. Thank you for letting me go to Churchill in middle school. Thank you for seeking God, for texting me verses, and for leaving work early to get me from school. You deserve a lot more credit than you get, and I know that perhaps it seems your efforts have no reward. But you will be rewarded, because God sees your efforts too and is so proud of you.
You are the greatest mom I could ever have. I hope you remember that God put you in my life because he knew that you were exactly the person I needed to raise me. No other parent would be right for me.
“Start children the way they should go and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”- Proverbs 22:6
So I need to work towards honoring you better. Which means I am asking you for continuous grace, every day.
Happy Mother’s Day! I love you soo sooo sooooo much. 💜 hope you liked the dinner we made you today haha 🙂