There is beauty here, even though I don’t belong. I am torn, restless, as I ponder through the million emotions inside my head, trying to decide whether I have a reason to dance again, or what people will think if I switch churches. In the midst of feeling that everyone wants me to be in a million different places, I stumbled upon this verse on Caitlyn Zick’s blog:
Rather than trying to please everyone, it is much more important to “sink yourself into who you are and the work you have been given.” In others words, follow your heart. Follow the will that God has placed on your heart.
In regards to dance, I feel as though I have a million reasons to quit. I’m afraid to to start because I remember what it felt like to leave class so empty. I’m afraid of committing to something that I won’t have time for. I’m afraid of doing something as stupid as missing my best friend’s graduation for rehearsal again.
But on the flip side, I love dance. My Econ teacher lets me push all the desks in his classroom and do turns the entire period now that we do nothing in class. I dance at home all the time. I love stretching. I yearn to learn more about this artform, to become better, and to develop my character through pirouettes and switch leaps.
Make a careful exploration of who you are…
My whole self is screaming at me to not give dance another shot, as it might hurt me again. But who am I? I’m not a quitter. I’m not defined by how well I dance. It isn’t about being the best dancer in the world, but the best dancer and person I can be. Because, like I’ve said a million times on this blog, God will use you as you are, and that includes everything you love.
And in order to be the best person I can be, I have to take care of myself. I have to listen to what my body needs. If my soul is searching for more of Jesus, exploring a new church is okay. If my soul is yearning to dance again, maybe I am supposed to dance again. It doesn’t matter what people will think of me if I choose to dance again or choose to seek after Jesus in a new place. After all, I live for an audience of one.
Sometimes I need to take a step back and remind myself that my relationship with God is between me and God, and nobody else. Everyone will have their own opinions about why I’m doing whatever I’m doing. If I am feeling overwhelmed, that is a red flag. I must then re-check my motives. Who am I living for? Who am I dancing for? Myself? My friends? Or am I going to dance for Him, the one who set my feet to dancing in the first place?
Aside from dancing, the list of things to do is always endless. This summer I want to dance, but I also want to get CPR certified (which probably won’t work out as the classes are full) and need to do some hardcore ACT and SAT studying along with AP summer homework and work on getting my driver’s license. Oh, and did I mention start my college apps?
So, Lea, why are you doing all this stuff?
Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life…
I think that part of the verse looks different for everyone. For me, all the things I “have” to do make my life so great, as long as I am doing them for His glory.
The truth is we need to keep going after God’s call for our life, no matter what others may think so one day he can tell us, “Well done my good and faithful servant.” And if we do, like in that song from Moana, there’s just no telling how far you’ll go.
I don’t belong in the place I’m in right now. I feel God’s nudge on my heart. He’s the line at the end of the sea that’s calling me to the unknown, wanting me to search for him in unfamiliar churches and places, in my studies and anxieties and maybe even dance. And maybe I didn’t find him in dance when I used to try too, but maybe that’s because I looked to dance for personal gratification rather than seeking Him through it. I’m afraid that starting again will cause me to compare myself constantly to the extremely flexible people on Instagram who always seem to have it all together.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
So this verse I’ve found has come to me like a friendly slap in the face, reminding me to not become overly concerned with what people think. Pleasing God does not mean pleasing everyone else, including other Christians.
Help me to not be so concerned about pleasing everyone. Help me to remember that pleasing you is enough.